Kindness is harder than it looks.

Houston Kraft reminds #AMLE22 attendees that connection doesn’t happen by accident.

Houston Kraft, author and co-founder of CharacterStrong, took the main stage at #AMLE22 yesterday for his keynote address on Deep Kindness. From the outset, he made clear that he had a mission for those in attendance. “If we want more kindness on our campus, then we need to teach the competencies that underly that behavior,” he told those gathered. What followed was a participatory and rejuvenating experience for educators. We’ve shared some highlights below so that all AMLE members can engage in the work of kindness in their own school communities.

The tough and the tender

Houston explains that when he says kindness is harder than it looks, what he’s really talking about is looking at behavior as a byproduct, rather than a root cause.  “Behavior is a byproduct of internal skills,” he explains, “If we hope for more kindness, empathy, connection, and compassion on our campuses – behaviors we know are foundational to learning – then we need to teach the skills that underly that behavior.”

This work can be made even more challenging when division exists within the school community – which we’ve sadly seen an increase of in districts around the country over the past few years. There’s a place for kindness here, too, says Houston – but in equal amounts tough and tender. If we’re going to be leaders of kids and school communities, “We have an obligation more than ever to listen to people and to make them feel heard,” he contends, “Not everyone is going to respond to X with Y, and we need to understand that our perspective is not the only perspective.”

At the same time, educators have an equally important obligation, based on years of experience and training, to stand up for what they know is best for kids. He considers examples of when educators have done what he calls acquiescing to the invisible army. “Just because one or two community members feel passionate, we don’t have to fall to the whim of every opinion,” Houston says, “It’s our job to listen and validate but also to push in and demonstrate courage to advocate for our students’ best interests.”

What makes the middle grades special

Houston went on to emphasize that there’s no more important time for that advocacy than during the middle grades where we see the shift from foundation-building to guidance-giving. “Middle school is the first opportunity where people provide a direction for kids that they might actually walk in,” he explains, “We have to have expertise in our subject matter, but middle school is where, developmentally, we are most fearful of belonging and most in need of empathy. And where we have the highest probability of someone giving us tools or perspectives that will dictate the road we will end up on.” He recalls this from his own journey as a young adolescent, which has been reinforced by the thousands of interactions he’s had with middle schoolers in his work, “There are so many opportunities to demonstrate kindness and put students on a path of compassion. If we can first make them feel like they belong, we can give them the tools to do that for others.”

What is the plate?

OK, you may be thinking, this is all good – but who has the time between state testing, parent emails, district mandates, etc.? That misses the point, argues Houston, who has seen his share of educators experiencing program fatigue. A mantra at CharacterStrong is that this work is not about adding one more thing to the plate, it is the plate. “What are we stacking things on top of right now?” he asks, “We’re trying to put things on top of plates that aren’t ready to hold it. If we try to blame kids for a poor foundation, we’re going to fight an unending uphill battle.” He argues that learning loss will only continue to deepen, “until we recognize, teach to, and support the mental health of young people.” Otherwise, we’re just working on an unstable foundation.

This means rewriting both the rules and the narrative, at times. “I think we have a strong desire to apply old rules that we worked really hard on to new realities even if they’re incongruent,” said Houston, emphasizing that it’s not just about meeting students where they’re at, but also, “meeting the world where it’s at.” It’s time to collectively acknowledge the trauma we’ve walked through and understand that the rules and norms are being rebuilt.

Connection doesn’t happen on accident

As the keynote drew to a close, Houston reiterated his hope that we recenter kindness in our schools, “If we know connection and belonging is a human need, we have to build systems and skills that support the acquisition of and development of connection before students ever feel safe to learn.” The #AMLE22 conference was just one example of how we can start that work, as educators who share a common passion came together in community, developing relationships live and in person. After all, he says, “That’s one of the best gifts schools can offer: connection.”


  1. Houston Kraft makes some amazing points in his speech regarding how we, as educators, have our perspective, how important it is to grow and foster kindness in our classrooms, and in acknowledging the reality of program burnout we see in ours schools.
    As educators, I feel we often lose the perspective of how our students view and see the world. By having to remind ourselves that our student’s look up to us and look to us for guidance rather than foundational skills is something that is ever more important to acknowledge in our modern day and age. Student’s, while they may never verbalize it, look to their teachers for how they react and respond to situations as a way of then using those reactions and responses in situations that they view as similar or familiar. By showing our students that using kindness in both a large and small portion is an appropriate way to respond rather than the ‘tough and tender’ manner in which Kraft describes, we can slowly help build those bigger and greater foundations of kindness.
    In addition to establishing ways that educators can bring kindness in the educational realm, it was nice to acknowledge the program burnout and fatigue many educators are facing in todays world. Like Kraft described, kindness is in actions both big and small and by allowing people to feel heard. In this case, Kraft allowed educators who feel exhausted and tired to feel heard and be seen.

  2. Kindness is very important in middle school. These students are constantly changing and they are usually surrounded by more negativity than they are kindness. It is so important for teachers to provide a safe place for their students and implement kindness in their classrooms. Advisory is a class that could help improve kindness in classes. This is a time for students to learn life skills and create a strong relationship with their advisory teacher.

  3. Houston states that kindness is harder than it looks and I definitely believe this to be true! As educators, it is our job to foster a good environment for our students to be kind to one another. Houston states that middle school is the first place where teachers provide students a path for them to walk in. We should demonstrate how to show kindness so that it can rub off onto our students at a young age. We need to try to foster more kindness in schools because in an age of technology students are seen to have lost it.

  4. I agree. Kindness is something that needs to be taught in schools and that old school is not necessarily the best way.

  5. Such a great point for teachers to grasp. I am sure we can all remember the intense days of middle school, as students attempt to figure out their place in this world and in the classroom. Demonstrating kindness as an educator includes being patient in that process and standing by to help when possible. We cannot expect out students to practice kindness if we are not acting out the same way as we lead them!

  6. This writing piece was really inspiring and touching to read. A good teacher reaches students by listening to them and valuing their opinions. I think that there is something really special about a teacher being able to encourage and help students learn in a way that supports their needs. This type of relationship is precious and kindness is the most important concept to keep in mind when teaching.

  7. Creating a sense of belongingness in our classrooms is of utmost importance – if students feel that they belong, they’ll feel safe in our classrooms, and are more likely to engage in learning. On top of that, modeling kindness and compassion, along with intentionally making students feel like they’re heard, is important for encouraging students to display these skills to others. I’m thankful that this philosophy aligns with that of the school I work at.

  8. As educators, we must foster a positive learning environment but we need to teach students kindness because as mentioned it is harder than it seems. We must model what kindness looks like and remember that students are watching how we handle everything. Sometimes it may seem like they are not paying attention but they are. We need to have connections and build strong meaningful relationships with students.

  9. Ultimately, Kraft’s message revolves around the intentional cultivation of connection and belonging in schools. He encourages educators to recognize that connection is not accidental; it requires deliberate efforts to build systems and skills that support the development of meaningful connections, creating an environment where students feel safe to learn. The keynote serves as a reminder that kindness is not just a value but a fundamental aspect of education, capable of transforming school communities and positively impacting students’ well-being and academic journeys.

  10. I love this message especially because this is one of the main reasons I want to become a teacher. With the statement, “There are so many opportunities to demonstrate kindness and put students on a path of compassion. If we can first make them feel like they belong, we can give them the tools to do that for others.” This is a underrated statement that involves us being the leaders to show students what it is supposed to look like to put students on the path of compassion, feeling like they belong and making others feel like they belong. A saying I heard a few years back was “earn the right to be heard.” This means to earn students respect and their ears by showing kindness and respecting the students before ordering them or expecting them to be perfect for us.

  11. As educators, we need to focus on building a solid foundation for our students to support their learning and well-being. Teachers must demonstrate and inform students how to make connections that will improve their quality of life, given that connection is imperative to a person’s well-being.